Friday, January 10, 2014

Full Office, Empty Head

Seriously, I'm finally cleaning out decades of old paperwork in my office and by the time I cracked my knuckles and settled in to create today's cartoon, I discovered that my mind had turned to mush while deciding what will stay, what will go, and "what laid eggs in this box?!" (answer: strange, translucent little lizards)

So I'm giving myself the day off, but the comment section is open for business as usual. Among possible topics which I considered for today before pouring some much-needed rotgut whiskey...

• Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates' new book in which he basically says that Obama deliberately squandered our hard won gains (and so many thousands of lives) in Iraq and Afghanistan because he wasn't interested in anything but his own domestic political fortunes. Which is why there's never been a better time to be one of America's enemies, or a worse time to be an ally.

• The media is eagerly declaring that Chris Christie is now unfit to run for president in 2016 because traffic was stalled on a bridge, but the same media has no problem whatsoever with the urgent security requests that got stalled - permanently - for the defense of our outpost in Benghazi. Christie is already firing people; no one from the State Department - including Hillary Clinton - was even disciplined.

• President Soetoro has declared that he's going to create "Promise Zones" in which our tax money will be used to create areas of magical economic growth where there is now only squalor. Our prediction: all the money will go to build new Acorn offices. And maybe some unicorn stables.

Sorry there's not more here today, but at least I'm making headway on cleaning up some of the crap I've generated over the years. If only our government could do the same...

UPDATE: Okay, I came up with something after all...

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Prop Goes The Weasel

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Rested and refreshed from his extended luxury vacation in Hawaii, Barack Obama surrounded himself with a rainbow coalition of jobless paupers yesterday to give a speech about the importance of extending "emergency" unemployment benefits in an economy which he claims is booming after five years of his stewardship.

If those mutually exclusive propositions aren't enough to run your brain through a blender, then consider Mr. Obama's additional claims that unemployment benefits actually create jobs, and that there's no need to find any matching budget cuts to fund his proposed $6 billion extension of payments for another 90 days - even though cutting back his wife's vacation budget might put a pretty good dent in it.

Standing on a podium surrounded by the long-term unemployed (all of whom managed to dress better than the Hope n' Change editorial staff could unless we actually rent some decent clothes),  the president spoke of those around him as if they were the cast of Les Miserables, using their pitiful unemployment checks to purchase humble crusts of bread for their starving children and shuffling around in their unheated hovels while "working their tails off" looking for jobs.

Which, incidentally, they aren't likely to find as long as this president continues to wage his successful "war on employment" - unless they're lucky enough to get one of the minimum wage, part time positions which seem to be the only jobs the Obamaconomy can sustain.

Of course, the real purpose behind the president's speech had nothing to do with either jobs or unemployment benefits, but was really about making cost-conscious Republicans look like the kind of hard-hearted bastards who would deny Bob Cratchit a lump of coal and kick Tiny Tim in the nuts.

Fortunately, the mainstream media won't be fooled by the president's transparent political lies, and will finally report the truth of the matter clearly and accurately.

Assuming that a polar vortex causes Hell to freeze over.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Beach, Beach, Beach

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After spending 15 incredibly luxurious and expensive days in Hawaii with her husband and children, Michelle Obama has just received a very special early birthday gift: more time in Hawaii without her husband and children!

The fact that the president is giving his wife such a wonderful and generous gift should silence all those wagging tongues which have lately been suggesting that there has recently been serious friction in the First Marriage - an ugly rumor which we certainly won't repeat here the way some sleazy but almost invariably accurate tabloids do.

No, we absolutely believe that this is a nice birthday present (Michelle turns 50 on January 17th) which will allow her to take time off from having Barry around (and wouldn't we all enjoy that gift?) and...well, wait a minute. Technically, she didn't see much of Barry when he was IN Hawaii, because he spent almost every day golfing and cruising around in Choom Wagon One, sucking down primo pakololo and hitting mailboxes with baseball bats.

So apparently, the real birthday gift is giving the first lady time away from her daughters, Malaria and Sushi, which is understandable considering that the Obamas have described children as the "punishment" which comes from having recreational sex.

But in the end, it really doesn't matter if what we're seeing is a bad marriage, bad parenting, or simply bad stewardship of our tax money. All that really matters is that the first lady have a good time, and that she hurries back to Washington soon.

After all, while her husband is busy declaring war on "income inequality" in this country, she's got to plan a gigantic, all-star, "money is no object" 50th birthday gala for herself.

Presumably with no children allowed.

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Clearly she's hangin' a lot more than ten...