Friday, April 3, 2015

Let's Fake A Deal

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In absolutely stunning news, Iran has agreed to a nuclear deal with the United States and a small consortium of other nations that hate Israel.

Well, it's not a deal deal. It's a deal to agree on a framework for a deal which will happen in the near future. And what could possibly go wrong with that?

We'll tell you. Or better still, we'll make this a little quiz! We'll present two facts about the (ahem) "deal" and see if you can catch a little problem that John Kerry seems to have overlooked. Ready?

According to the details of the agreement, "Iran’s breakout timeline – the time that it would take for Iran to acquire enough fissile material for one weapon – is currently assessed to be 2 to 3 months. That timeline will be extended to at least one year, for a duration of at least ten years, under this framework."

And when will Iran agree to the framework?  In 3 months

If you're vigorously smacking yourself in the forehead right now, congratulations! You're better qualified to handle nuclear arms negotiations (and basic math) than anyone in the Obama administration! 

Understandably, Bibi Netanyahu isn't too happy about all of this - especially since a high-ranking member of the Iran's Revolutionary Guard recently said that "erasing Israel from the map" remains "non-negotiable."

Maybe not, but thanks to the tireless efforts of Barack Obama and John Kerry, Israel's destruction at the hands of Iran is very, very, very unlikely. For the next 2 to 3 months, anyway.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015


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On an unbelievably busy news day, no story is bigger than the shocking resignation of Barack Hussein Obama and his subsequent hasty helicopter escape from the roof of the White House.

Early morning television viewers were surprised to find their programs interrupted for an emergency announcement, during which the ashen-faced and possibly drug-fueled president spoke in rambling, frequently cryptic sentence fragments about "the sweet, sweet call to prayer," "dog-flavored shave ice," the merits of Titleist golf balls and, most puzzlingly, his declaration that "Mike is done pretending to be Michelle." He then told America to go (and we paraphrase here) fornicate itself, and capped his brief resignation with "Allah Akbar - I'm out of here, suckers!"

In a scene reminiscent of America's departure from Vietnam, Obama scrambled aboard a George Soros-owned helicopter hovering just above the White House roof.  Newly appointed President Biden celebrated his unexpected promotion by rushing onto the White House balcony in his pajamas and firing a shotgun into the sky, before being tackled and disappearing under a pile of Secret Service agents. Sadly, the shotgun blast was thought to have done only minor damage to Mr. Obama's helicopter.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL - Also in today's news:

• John Kerry triumphantly announced that his negotiations with Iran have been successful and will be officially ratified in a ceremony in which "I'll kneel on a beach while wearing a traditional Iranian document-signing orange jumpsuit."

• A council of Native Americans judged Elizabeth Warren to be guilty of violating tribal law by failing to use "every part of the buffalo." In point of fact, she was using only one part of the buffalo and not, as nature intended, for the purpose of making more buffaloes.

• Pressed for more details about his injury, Harry Reid admitted that "the band that snapped" as he was working out with it was, as many suspected, The Village People.

• A crowd-funded Kickstarter campaign intended to pay for a monument to honor race martyr and cigar liberator Michael Brown fell short of its stated goal today, raising a final tally of only $375. The Ferguson highway department says the funds will be sufficient to create a commemorative speed bump.

• The Supreme Court issued a 5-4 ruling confirming that, despite the controversial and somewhat confusing language in the 17,000 page Obamacare bill, the government will give full "breast exam" reimbursements for every crispy dollar bill men spend in topless clubs.

Oh, relax - it's April Fool's Day

Monday, March 30, 2015

Receding Harry Line

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With so many other things happening in the news last week, Hope n' Change didn't have the opportunity to comment on Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid's announcement that he will not run for another term in the Senate, and instead plans to retire to Nevada where he will probably put his decades of experience to use by managing a whorehouse.

 Reid says that his decision not to run again has nothing to do with the hideous, disfiguring, and apparently gangrenous injury to his eye which was allegedly caused during an exercise session when a large rubber band snapped while he was working with it. Not that it's hard to believe that anything, or anyone, would snap if forced to work with Reid.

Reid's major accomplishment as Senate Majority Leader was to pass Obama's worst pieces of legislation by fair means or (more typically) foul - screwing up Senate tradition and procedure to such an extent that the institution may be damaged irreparably.

And of course, once Republicans gained power in the House of Representatives, Reid essentially shut down the Senate so no Republican-sponsored budget or bill could be voted on or possibly reach Barack Obama's pristine and uncluttered desk.  As historians and scholars will someday say, Reid was the banana jammed in the tailpipe of the engine of Democracy.

And when the historians and scholars do say that, they'd better darn well send Hope n' Change a few bucks since the phrase is copyrighted.